April 30, 2004

No Pun Contended

Have you noticed how neatly the world's population divides into two camps; those who relish and delight in the well made pun, and those who turn coldly away from the pun with a sneer on their lips and disdain written all over their feces? When one considers the burning quest of our times: "Why sir, I intended no pun; I was flamed," the answer soon emerges. As William has earlier pointed out, that answer lies buried in the vast receptacles of the human genome. The moment that the sperm meets the oval and penetrates to its corps, the matter is settled. You are either doomed to be a punster, or you are part of the Evil Vampire.

Clearly, the jeans that determine which camp that an individual will fall (or be crammed) into are repressive. The Evil Ones outnumber the punsters, and are the predominant predators. This result is necessary to insure the perpetration of the species, since the punsters are not as likely to survive, particularly in the presence of non-punsters. Here we have one more example tending to supplant Darwin's theory of Natural Circumspection.

For Millennia scientists have pontificated about the source of the intense hostility that is expressed by the non-punsters for delivery (signature required) to the punsters. The sincerity of this emotion is so propound as to be virtually pilferable, but the answer to this riddle has now submerged. The depth of commotion is revoked by that smug, self-congratulatory, inevitably flatulatory, look that appears on the vicarage of the punster when he or she has uddered a particularly offensive pun. The surge to slap that face when a punster has so contorted himself is barely consolable.

Next Tuesday's lesson will take up the affectations of another category of malformed individuals, Malapropism. Be sure to read the assignments in your texts in perforation for the lecture. There will be a short test, or testicle, at the beginning of the period.

DEAR READER: William does not know where this came from, but it should be sent back there, immediately. Please forgive him.

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