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March 4, 2004

Lie Prostate

thoughtful doctor

Men, if you live long enough your Prostate will get you. Of course, you could get lucky and die of something else first. I would be the last to deny you the opportunity to do so if you are so inclined. For those of you that are uninformed, the prostate is a Wal-Mart (or is it walnut?) -sized gland that is located near the neck of the bladder and produces some fluid for the semen. You have probably used it recently, unless you are married.

Remember when you were an adolescent and your friends regaled you with stories of how if you masturbated too much you would go blind, become impotent, or that God would get you some other way for your shameful self-indulgence? The Prostate is what God uses to get you. It either becomes enlarged and causes difficulty with urination, or it becomes cancerous and kills you. You may hit the jackpot and experience both effects.

Don't worry. There is a simple blood test called the PSA test that can detect abnormalities of the Prostate. You should get this test if you are over 50, and much earlier in life if you have a family history of prostate cancer or if you are African-American. Yes, it apparently is true what you white guys always feared about the black guys. They are somehow different down there.

In the event that Prostate cancer is found in your body, you have many treatment options. You can try "watchful waiting" which is sometimes referred to as "sheer terror" or "denial." You can have surgery and rip the offending organ out of your body. You can elect to treat with high intensity radiation so that your pelvic area will glow in the dark and you will be the envy of your neighborhood. You can try castration (either surgical or chemical). All these treatments have potential side-effects. These include: impotence, incontinence, radiation proctitis, enlarged breasts, and death. Medical Science is devising even more bizarre forms of treatment with every passing day. apothecary mortar & pestle

If you are diagnosed with Prostate Cancer you will have all the above options and more, including chemotherapy, and sundry experimental drugs and devices. Of one thing you can be certain, no two doctors will agree on the best course of treatment for your disease. In the growing community of urologists, radiation oncologists, homeopaths, osteopaths, medical oncologists, research MD + PhDs, etc., you will find powerful and persuasive advocates for every conceivable treatment modality.

medical sign: Urologist medical sign: Radiologist medical sign: Oncologist
Most of them will caution you against following the advice of the others. They are all sincere and seem very knowledgeable and competent. As a layperson all you have to do is sort through this maelstrom of advice without any medical training, select the course of treatment that is best for you, and then bet your life on it.

There, now, don't you feel better? deranged surgeon

WARNING: The foregoing is not offered as, nor is it intended to be, medical advice. If you have a real problem with your Prostate see your Doctor at once, or contact the Psychic Hotline, or go to bed, assume the fetal position and pull the covers over your head.

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