Wednesday, November 29, 2006

[1890 - First Army-Navy football game won by Navy (24-0)]

[1898 - C.S. Lewis, author, born in Belfast, Northern Ireland]

[1944 - USS Archerfish (SS-311) sinks Japanese carrier Shinano]

Hospice Staff Memo

TO: Staff
FROM: Manager

We have become too dedicated to the traditional one-on-one approach to providing health care. We need greater efficiency in delivering services instead of relying solely on old fashioned touchy-feely methodologies. For instance, we simply cannot afford to tie up valuable staff time answering and directing incoming telephone calls. Accordingly, I have ordered that the phone system be upgraded to an automated, menu-driven answering system. I have also programmed in the following messages and choices, which you should become familiar with:

Hello! You have reached the Helpful Healthy HMO Hospice. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please stay on the line. If you are having second thoughts about your "No Code" order, hang up and dial 911.

Pause

Please listen carefully to the following menu choices as our menu has changed, even though your prognosis probably has not.

If you are experiencing unbearable pain or nausea, press 1 now. (Once will be sufficient).

If you need assistance with toilet, bathing or other personal hygiene items, press 2 now; then yell for a family member to help you.

For your funeral pre-needs assessment, press 3 now.

For a recorded chastisement of family members who are prematurely fighting over your legacy, press 4 now.

If you are a primary caregiver inquiring about the possibility of sainthood, press 5 now.

To speak with a finance counselor or bankruptcy attorney, press 6 now.

If you are still asking "Why me?" or wish to speak with a chaplain, press 7 now.

If the foregoing choices have depressed you, or to speak with the pharmacist, press 8 now.

To repeat these menu options, press 9, and you will be disconnected so that you can call back.

Pause.

Thank You for calling the Helpful Healthy HMO Hospice.
Have a nice day, or however many hours you may have left.

William's Whimsical Words:

Hospice would be so much more pleasant were it not for the arbitrary entry criterion.

to Fall 2006

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