Monday, November 29, 2004

[1898 - C.S. Lewis, scifi author, born]------[1933 - Fuzzy Thurston, Packers guard, born]

Hospice Staff Memo

TO: Staff
FROM: Manager

I believe that we have become too dedicated to the traditional one-on-one approach to health care. What we need is greater efficiency, instead of relying solely on old fashioned touchy-feely methodologies. For instance, we simply cannot afford to tie up valuable staff time answering and directing incoming telephone calls. Accordingly, I have ordered that the phone system be upgraded to feature a new automated, menu-driven answering system. I have also programmed in the following messages and choices, which you should become familiar with:

Hello! You have reached the Helpful Healthy HMO Hospice. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, please stay on the line. If you are having second thoughts about your "No Code" order, hang up and dial 911.

Pause

Please listen carefully to the following menu choices as our menu has changed even though your prognosis probably has not.

If you are experiencing unbearable pain or nausea, press 1 now.

If you need assistance with toilet, bathing or other personal hygiene items, press 2 now; then yell for a family member to help you.

For your funeral pre-needs assessment, press 3 now.

For chastisement of family members prematurely fighting over your legacy, press 4 now.

If you are a primary care giver inquiring about the possibility of sainthood, press 5 now.

To speak with a finance counselor or bankruptcy attorney, press 6 now.

If you are still asking "Why me?" or wish to speak with a chaplain, press 7 now.

If the foregoing choices have depressed you, or to speak with the pharmacist, press 8 now.

To repeat these menu options, press 9, and you will be disconnected so that you can call back.

Pause.

Thank You for calling the Helpful Healthy HMO Hospice.
Have a nice day, or however many hours you may have left.

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